Friday, February 19, 2010

God...I was such an asshole to my kids tonight.....

I feel like I am responsible for this.  My son C2 did this today to C3. He bit her on ther fucking face.  T told me to call her at home when I was at work and she told me about C2 doing this today.  At first I was so pissed and then she told me she had it handled and C2 knew what he did was wrong and that he should not have done it.  Time out and other things that were taken away from him were strong enough punishment. 

C2 and C3 both went through a biting phase.  It hasn't happened in I don't know how long.  C2 used to be really tough to deal with, well at least for me he was.  But for the past several months he has changed and he turned into the sweet, helpful, polite, nice little boy that we try and teach him to be.

Well that all changes when I get home because I am the biggest fucking asshole and don't know how to deal with my kids and when I am a asshole to them, they must think it gives them the right to be assholes to each other.  Tonight C2 and C3 were doing something and next thing I know he threw her down on the floor.  I fucking snapped and carried him to timeout but then sent him to bed in the most hateful way. 

That is not how we T does it around here. And why should I mess up the good thing she has going and she has gotten the kids to mind by using certain methods.  I am like a ticking time bomb as T calls me and I have to change or my kids will only know me as being a silly goofball or a fucking asshole dad.

I am sitting here starting to cry because all I ever talk about is how much I hate my parts of my life because I am never home, but when I am home I am an asshole to my kids.  Yeah real good father I am.  Are my kids gonna remember that I work hard, long hours to provide? NO, they are gonna remember that daddy was a jerk with a temper and snapped on us all the time. 

One of my resolutions was to be a better dad and husband and when I do this stupid shit I am NEITHER.

I wish to god that C2 hadn't bit C3 but it was over and I can't carry shit over.  Kids play rough and they play each other and parents like fiddles. I have to learn to identify the problem and make calm decisions. 

I tucked C3 in and told her I was sorry for being ugly to her and that we would have a good day tomorrow.  I did the same for C2 and told him I was sorry for jumping his ass and being ugly to him.  I also told him that we would both have better days tomorrow.

Kids do what parents do.  They love us, look up to us and try to duplicate everything we do.  I have never bitten T, but I am sure they have seen me be ugly and they think it is ok to be ugly to each other.  I am sure this will not be the last time I am an asshole but I sure need to make some changes in my attitude for the sake of my family.  I am home 2 hours a night and on the weekends, I should be able to conduct myself as a good father and try to keep the guidelines that T has set in place.  I mean she does a good job, I really mean it.  Kids act up and do things but she has them on a great path for young kids and I don't do much to help sometimes.

To T, sorry for being a dick and messing up our Friday night.
To C1 sorry for showing you what an asshole your father is and how I jumped your brother and sisters ass.
To C2 sorry for making your bad day worse.  We will have a great weekend
To C3 baby you had a bad day too and I should not have yelled at you
To C4 I just thank god you were sleeping so I didn't scare you with my loud screaming

For those of you thinking I am being to hard on myself and I know certain people out there like family and close friends know it is tough, save your shit, I was really an asshole tonight. No excuse for my behavior.



Jess February 19, 2010 at 11:23 PM   Reply to

Don't be too hard on yourself, no parent is perfect. I lose my temper way more than I like with my very strong willed almost 3 year old. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell and get onto her because she is constantly pushing and pushing. I tell her no when she asks if she can do something and she sits right there and does it anyway....No one ever said having kids was easy.

At least you admit when you've done wrong and apologize. A lot of parents wouldn't do what you did by apologizing to your wife and children.

Shannon February 20, 2010 at 12:21 AM   Reply to

For what it's worth, I absolutely DO remember that my father apologized to me for being an asshole when it was warranted. He tried his best, failed a lot, and apologized when he knew he should have done better. Your kids will remember that too.

Helene February 20, 2010 at 12:31 AM   Reply to

I think it takes a lot of courage for you to apologize to your kids. We want our kids to believe that we're perfect when in actuality we have no clue what we're doing half the time. It's okay to let them know that parents make mistakes too.

If you think about it, this could actually turn out to be a great learning opportunity for them. So you might have acted like an ass and yeah you could have reacted completely differently BUT you took responsibility for it and you let them know that it wasn't the right way to handle the situation.

That's how kids learn. Our kids are gonna see us fuck up because that's life and we can't prevent that, as much as we want to, but they're also gonna see how to take an ugly situation and turn it around.

If only kids came with manuals, right? Hang in there...tomorrow's another day and another chance to start over.

x February 20, 2010 at 6:49 AM   Reply to

It's a new day (Saturday). Start over. Biting is just one of those things that does happen. You acted how you acted. You apologized. New day!

Doug February 20, 2010 at 12:17 PM   Reply to

Don't expect sympathy from here ... just ask my kids, 'cuz they'll all tell you. I ain't got none!

Empathy ... Yeah, I got lots of that! I've screwed up with my kids a lot, and I mean A LOT, over the years. We've argued, fought, yelled, and screamed. Hell, my 16 year old has one hell of a flying tackle (DAMHIKT). And I've got to tell you, you ALWAYS feel like shit afterwards, even when you're right.

Find help ... and I don't mean go to some fscking head-shrinker, but rather find someone you can vent to who will listen and empathize but not let you off the hook. It can be a Church, a Scout group, friend, or family. For me it's my sister. I can call and bitch up a storm at her, and when I'm done she'll say "feel better?" ... "yes." ... "OK. Love 'ya" ... and hang up on me ... or sometimes she'll tell me her problems while I shut up and listen. Just find an adult to listen to you rant until you get it out so you can keep from taking it out on your kids.

Worked for me ... took me a LONG time to get there ... but my family is better for it.

BTW (on the positive side)
1: Apologizing is A GOOD START!
2: They will remember ... but they will also remember the good times more than the bad.

Taxi Driver February 20, 2010 at 3:42 PM   Reply to

You're right when you can admit when you're wrong. I can imagine being just as upset too; I am glad you can see room for improvement. We all have to work toward improvement. I am sure your family will be supportive, forgiving and encouraging.

My friend Chris is blogging about the need for confession in our lives, you can find him listed on my blog.

Stay honest--never give up, Bro.

Mommy to 5 boys February 20, 2010 at 5:22 PM   Reply to

I just found your blog from Mckmama's and I have to say that you are NOT an asshole.

My husband is gone a lot too (military) and he has his days when the kids just won't S.T.O.P. (I've had many) You are a parent... and every parent makes mistakes. You apologized. That makes you better than a lot of people that can't seem to tell their children that they made a mistake and that they are sorry.

I am now going to follow your blog because I love seeing a dad's pov. :) Thanks for being so honest. :)

PS Your kids are beautiful :)

Unknown February 20, 2010 at 9:19 PM   Reply to

Yeah, agreed. You are definitely an asshole.

♥Jess♥ February 21, 2010 at 9:51 AM   Reply to

One important lesson, although you can't use it constantly, is that you have taught them when wrong it is okay to apologize. That's a skill (or whatever you want to call it) that a lot of people are never taught. :)

Tomorrow will be a better day. Even though I am a day or so behind.

Scott S. February 22, 2010 at 10:23 AM   Reply to

Thanks to everyone, we did have a better weekend. It is tough but I do plan on trying to work on my temper and being more calm in the future.

Anonymous,  February 22, 2010 at 12:15 PM   Reply to

I recently came across your blog. It is so good to hear a man's perspective and it sounds like you are A LOT like my husband. I know what you mean in this post! Parenting is hard and when I write about how much I struggle with being a great mom sometimes the last thing I want to hear is someone telling me I am being too hard on myself because they weren't there and I'm sure that isn't what my kids thought. BTW, I laughed out loud reading that you would "rather jump in a bathtub full of pee-pee than have to change my little C4's diaper." Too funny and my husband most likely would agree!
The great thing is that you realize you screw up and you do something about it! Hopefully the screw ups will grow to be farther and farther apart!

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