Friday, March 5, 2010

Fridays Final Thoughts 3-5-10

This Daddy's Blog

My Fridays Final Thoughts for today are about being stressed and being happy

I am so stressed right now.  I am not happy at all right now.

I love my T and the 4 C's more than the air I breathe but I am stressed every single moment about how can I keep us above water.  T is the mst optimistic person I know.  It is never about money with her, she always says that as long as we have each other than we will be fine.  Me on the other hand I sit and worry about supporting my family so we can keep living like we have been living.

The C's, man they are too young to know what I am stressed about, but they know that I am stressed and I can't be like that.  It is so hard to go home and be so happy go lucky when I am worried about what is ging to happen the next day.  I lay awake at night with shit running through my head and I stay worried about what tomorrow brings.

I have been down the road of drugs for personal reasons and some for medical reasons.  I don't want to do that anymore but sometimes I feel like I have no where to run to.  I quit working out, I need to do it but I use the same excuse, no time or energy.  Maybe working out would help with the stress, but then I feel like the longer I am awake the longer I have to worry about things.

I havn't had a drink in over a year but the bottle of vodka in our freezer has been looking very good.  Do I want to do that?  No, because then I would go back to drinking every night and alot of good that would do.

I hate crying or bitching to T because she has her hands full all day long.  She is the most complete person out there and for me to unload all of my shit on her would not be fair.  Yeah she is my wife and best friend but that doesn't mean I can just place all of my problems on her.  Doesn't mean I can be an asshole to her and get away with it.

I was going to a doctor who was kind of acting like a counselor but shit I dont even have insurance anymore and even if I did I couldn't afford the co-pay anyways.

Reading, shit my mind wont stay still long enough for me to concentrate on what the fuck I am reading.  I thought reading the Bible might help, but I keep making excuses. 

Really all I have are excuses of why I am not a better person and why I live my life around the stress that surrounds me.  It is so hard to be so happy when I am struggling all the time with being so unhappy.  Being so unhappy makes T and the kids unhappy.  We have great friends and family that are always there for us but do I unload on them?  No, that is not fair either.

So basically I just need to somehow get over it all and think like T.  Having a happy marriage and 4 great, healthy kids so be all I need.  People do it all the time.  I have a job (which I don't like) but I have one, a roof over our heads,  cars, why can't I just be happy.  I need to figure out something, and quick before I end up being in a place that I was before.  If  I go back to that place, it will not be good  for my marriage so I have to not go back there.

I love you T and the 4 C's.



ericdbolton March 5, 2010 at 10:36 AM   Reply to

I feel the same way A LOT of the times. I hate it. I tend to fell useless and unworthy of it all.

I bought new running shoes so I could start working out, hoping that it will help me feel better about myself.

When I read the bible and apply my faith in my daily living, I do feel much better.

I'm contemplating seeing a counselor more and more as each day passes. I argue with myself that if I just had stronger faith I wouldn't feel this way. But I feel that I might need the extra help to give me time to spend with my faith.

I'll be praying for you and your family bud.

Have a great weekend.

Tayarra March 5, 2010 at 11:25 AM   Reply to

I know you probably know this, but I have to say it because I personally lived it. Having a parent(s) that is using any kind of drug (including alcohol) has been the biggest thing to impact my life. It is the one thing that makes me HATE a lot of my childhood. (I don’t write about it on my blog because it impacts people I love that I don’t want to hurt) So, please, please, please whatever you do, don't go back there for your children mainly. I will be praying for you and would encourage you to find an outlet, another Christian couple, a Christian counselor, someone, because you can probably read the bible a hundred times and the answers aren't going to pop out at you like some blinking billboard, although it does help. But, it helps a lot more to have someone there to help you process what you are going through and find answers. I would encourage you to share with T as well. I am sure she wants to know what is on your mind and this might help – you posting it here. Praying!

Mrs. Sederwall March 5, 2010 at 11:55 AM   Reply to

Reading this I feel like it is echoing a lot of the stress I have been struggling with the past two years. I am the one who deals mainly with the financial issues while my husband is working three jobs to make ends meat. I too, have a full time job, and fill at times that isn't enough. I, too, lie awake at night pondering the unanswerable questions, feel the weight of the world on my chest, and fight to find the solutions. It is frustrating, but I have finally come to realize, everything DOES eventually work out. It may not seem like it at times, but it does, especially if you continue doing the best you can.

Don't resort to your "chains" from your past. Even as tempting as they are, they are just a crutch. I quit smoking a little over 2 years ago and the temptation is sometimes stronger than I think I am. But you musn't. Think of the money you will save! Think of the stress you will avoid!

It sounds like you do have a great support system (T), that is good. Talk it out. Pray. Trust.

Best of luck!

Doug March 5, 2010 at 12:42 PM   Reply to

Dude ... I'm praying for you! Hard!

You DO have the most wonderful family. You ARE doing everything you can to hold it together. You need not to even consider going back to old habits.

Confessions From A Work-At-Home Mom March 5, 2010 at 1:09 PM   Reply to

I sympathize with your concerns-- I feel like from an outside perspective, I have it all, but at times I struggle to be happy with what I have. We always want more. We always want it all. It's very hard to accept the fact that it always isn't possible. Let me know if you figure out the secret to that acceptance-- I know I haven't yet!

Confessions From A Working Mom

x March 5, 2010 at 1:24 PM   Reply to

I feel for you. I am SO glad you have T and the 4 C's in your life. My BF lays awake all night too, stressing about work and other things. Keep doing what your doing - you're a terrific father and husband!

Jessica Bodley Farrell March 5, 2010 at 1:29 PM   Reply to

Scott - Do you and T and the Kiddos want to come to church on Sunday? 2nd service is at 11...

Cindy March 5, 2010 at 3:24 PM   Reply to

I just happened(I really don't believe in "just" happend, all things happen for a purpose) on your blog by following a link from another blog.

I don't know how to say this, but to simply say it. You are crying out for help, and I only know one place to find an answer for all your questions and needs, and His name is Jesus.
Jesus has never failed me and He will never fail you, He is the only one big enough to handle your fears and troubles. Just call on Him.

I care and so does He.

Please forgive me if I have been too personal, but it's the only thing I know that works.

Debbie March 5, 2010 at 8:42 PM   Reply to

what a heavy and honest post. No wisdom..I completely understand the feeling of being underwater..the fears and the insecurities. BUT, having lost alot..and not having a complete family any more, there is something to say for family. and blessings. I pray that you find some peace and relief during this stressful time.

Chrissy March 5, 2010 at 9:37 PM   Reply to

So many things come to mind when I read this. First, please read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. It will really, really put your finances in order and give you a plan and focus.

Second, I read a blog today, and this seems to fit what you are saying - even though what she wrote had to do with her children:

"Happiness is fleeting, sweet babies. That means it doesn't last. It's a quick feeling that comes from a funny movie or a heart shaped lollipop or a really good birthday present. It's great. I love to be happy. But happiness is a reaction that is based on our surroundings. And our surroundings are so very rarely under our control. Even when - especially when - we think they are. So no, I absolutely don't want you to spend your life chasing something that has so little to do with your own abilities. You'll just be constantly frustrated...

I want you to be content. Being content is so much different from being happy. Being content is not based on your surroundings. Being content comes from within. Contentment is a spirit of gratitude. It's the choice you make to either be thankful for the things you do have, or to whine about the things you don't have...

Being content and grateful leads to consistent joy."

You can read the entire post here:

Why is there Vodka in the freezer? That's too tempting. I'd dump it out!

Praying for you. Lots.

Anonymous,  March 6, 2010 at 9:25 PM   Reply to

This too shall pass.

I know it seems shallow and cliche but, you know it's true.

And, even the little bit that I know T, I am certain that she 100% wants you to share all your feelings with her. You know it's not always about resolution. Sometimes you just gotta get it out, let her hug you and tell you it's all going to be okay then realize and truly know that it really will all be okay. On a shitty day it sure doesn't seem like all will be fine but, it always is. And, she's right. As long as you've got her and those awesome kids, what more do you need?

Take pride in stepping away from the drugs. That's a huge accomplishment and going back to the crutch doesn't solve any of the actual problems. You know this though.

Lean on T, hug those kids, remember that this too shall pass.

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