(Thinking to self)
Really, I wonder if she means that? She never says shit, to just say shit. She always speaks her mind. Was she just trying to be funny? Does that mean she wants to have Pants Off Dance Off? I wonder if I could even do that? Am I too old? Am I a strong enough person to do that?
Those are just some of the thoughts that have been running through my mind since T made a comment to me on Friday while we were at the fair. She made a quick comment, and with that instant, my mind went on auto pilot and for days now that comment has been filling up my empty brain making me wonder if I could really do that.
We haven't really talked about it too much, she knows it peaked my interest and got me thinking. I am nervous and I don't even know if I am going to do this thing yet. But now I am questioning my man hood and my inner strength and wondering if I could really out this together.
Will doing this benefit my family? Maybe not at first, but down the road it may. Would it benefit me? Again, probably not at first, but later on it would. I think it would add on to the role model characteristics that I have as a father. I mean I know I am a good daddy to the kids but doing this would show them it is easy to give of yourself to help others.
T, now I know she would have mixed emotions about it. She would be scared for all of us at first and I'm sure for a long time, but she would be proud and have my back no matter what. She would probably not like some of the certain things about it, but she would be rewarded with some of the other aspects of this decision.
This would be the hardest decision I have made in my married, parental life. So what I need to do is get my head together and think about it. Do I really want to do this, or is it just some new phase that hit me in my late 30's? Can I do it? The biggest thing is putting T and the C's in harms way. This weekend I am going to get my game plan together and knock out some questions and sit with T and ask her for her honest opinion, which will probably hurt my feeling, since I am a sensitive bitch* and all. I may cry, (see *), I may just say fuck it and give up before I start (see *) who knows. I am also going to ask the kids. They are old enough to give me a straight answer.
I have done some reading and checking on the subject and I know if I get past the first part of agreeing with T, that I will have alot more to check into and learn. But that is part of it. Being smarter, smart enough to know what I am getting into. Learning and figuring out if I can do it by learning more about it.
I know I will have the haters and doubters out there, if I decide to do this and to them I say in advance Fuck you, who cares what you think. I curse alot, so what. I am past the point of caring what people think anymore. I used to care (too much) what people think and tip toe around shit and want everyone happy. NO MORE. ME, T, and 4 C's. That is my concern of happiness. If they give me the go ahead to change my life then I am going for it. If they don't want me to take this new path, then I know it is for the best.
I am not going to be one of those people who sit and ask God to make my decision for me. That's not me. I believe in God, but I do believe that I, me and only me can make the decision about what to do with my life and there are only 5 people that will influence my decision.
So this weekend after I talk to T and the C's, I will decide if I am going to take on a new challenge.
KISS THE BABY
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
(Thinking to self)