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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Praying and Faith...Im calling BS on it all

You know I was going to do a funny post today about how I like to use T's girly soap and deodorant and shampoo's and stuff and about Elfie but all that is out the window and I am sitting at my desk looking at this damn computer writing about how I have so many emotions going through my body right now.

I know that I am not the only one that has had a child go through stuff and has had to have stuff done but when it happens to me, to be honest I don't care about you and your family. I only care about my family.  I dont care about what you went through and that it turned out ok and how your kid or kids are ok, I care about me, my wife and my kids.

C1 had a appt today to meet with a well know highly recommended doctor about his torticollis and what we might be able to do about it.  Surgery.  That is what they told T. To release the muscle in his neck. It is not the news that we had wanted to hear.

On the scale of things it might not even be that big of a deal, but since it is my kid it is a huge deal.  We may not even go through this deal, but just thinking about it and being told we need have this done is enough to mess with my head.  I have no idea how T can keep her head straight. I mean I know she has to since she has the kids all day long and I know that I have to try and be strong around her and the kids and I will, I wont be the normal jerk that I am and I wont let the kids see how upset or stressed I am but you last night when I rolled over and tried to go to sleep I did something that I haven't done in a long time....

I closed my eyes and asked God to hook me up today and do me a favor and let the appointment go good and give us good news....and what did he do...NOTHING.  Just when I get to a point when I am leaning toward becoming a huge believer and leaning on the fence that maybe good things do happen for a reason...I ask for something and get nothing.

I know it could be worse.  Trust me I know.  I know enough people and have seen enough in my life to know it could be worse and I should be lucky.  Well I am lucky and I am happy to have a great wife and 4 awesome kids.  So how am I suppose to keep a happy face and believe that I am lucky when stuff happens to me or my wife and kids.  How am I suppose to know that as string as T is that she will keep it  together when I am not there.  T is not like me. She doesnt let emotions out like me. She doesnt share it, she doesnt wear her emotions on her sleeve like I do.  How am I suppose to feel when she gets upset about this and I want to be strong for her but I cant.  Im pissed at the world.  I dont want people to tell me it will be ok.  I dont care what you think or that you really believe in God and he will get us through this.  

I am sitting here wanting to go outside and take a bat and go to town on something.  I am wanting to sit here and cry cause I dont know how I am suppose to be a good husband and father and be a man and show strength.  I promised when T that when I told her I loved her that I would always protect her.  I told T that when we had kids I would always protect them. And here we are and we may be having to cross a road that I never paid too much attention too.  Is that protecting my children, I dont think so.

I cant stop thinking about having to go home and discuss this with T and then having to make a decision.  I want to go home right now and hug my boy and lay down with him.  For what he may or may not go through, I cant stop thinking about it.

As I am typing this I am talking to T on the phone about stuff and we both know and agree that it could be worse and harder it could be but none of that matters.  The only bright spot from all of this is that there is a little boy sitting asking Mommy "Do you think the other kids missed me?" and singing songs.  I know that what may or may not be done is not even comparing to alot of other things and is considered a small easy out patient deal but for what they are doing and thinking about doing it just keeps messing with my head.
So for those of you that are such huge believers in God and all his work you will have to excuse me while I call BS and wonder how I can be an adult about this and try handle this.  My biggest challenge is going to be acting like a grown man and not acting like a fool around my boy.

So really God, I do things by the book and this is what you hand back to me. Do I really need a life lesson about this. Does it have to involve my son?  Thanks a lot.  Talk to you soon, probably not.  Hows that for your "Have Faith" and your "Pray on it"? 

KISS THE BABY


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7 comments:

plantingpennies December 9, 2010 at 8:10 PM   Reply to

Hey Bro,

You're right about a lot of things in this one, we might have made different decisions, but you are still right. It takes courage to be a father, and more to shake one's fist at God for the cost of love and duty, that's why I respect you.

Stand tall,
ML

Elan December 9, 2010 at 8:28 PM   Reply to

Hey,

This post is so powerful. I can't say I know what its like, but it makes a lot of sense that you'd be sad and pretty pissed off. I'm wishing good things for you and your family...

Elan

Kat December 9, 2010 at 9:29 PM   Reply to

Hey Scott,
I don't want to shove anything down your throat, but I thought I would share something I have learned. Dealing with shitty stuff sucks. Big time. It makes it even worse when the shitty stuff is happening to people you love. God isn't just about answering prayers, though. He sees the bigger picture. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be angry. Get pissed if you need to. But realize that if everything was peachy keen all the time then we wouldn't appreciate how good we have it. We have to have rough patches so that we can recognize the good times when they come along.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now :(

Thinking of you...

Alex Johnson December 9, 2010 at 10:20 PM   Reply to

If there's one thing that I've learned in my walk, it's that God has a reason for absolutely everything. No matter what's going on, there's a purpose for it.

I don't want to sound like a total jerk here, but why would you expect God to come to answer your prayers when you yourself said that you hadn't spoken to him in quite a while and acted like he owed you something?

Believe me, I understand what you're going through, I really do, but it's through trials like these that we need to keep our heads up and become CLOSER to our Father, knowing that he alone can heal us of our problems, not distance ourselves from Him.

Yes, He may take His time, testing you all the while, but He is all knowing, and if you truly put your faith in Him, all will be right. Give it time.

~Rachel December 10, 2010 at 4:17 AM   Reply to

I would be angry too. That's your job...to defend your children and want no harm done to them.
But, God is much bigger than this. He has a plan and maybe he just wants to show you how strong you really are? Maybe he wants you to use this to discuss this condition with others..to be someone people can relate to when they are going through this or something similar?
I promise you, the day you put your life in God's hands and really truly believe that it is all in His plans, is the day you will have total peace in the midst of trials. Give it up to God. He will provide. He always has.

Dari December 10, 2010 at 2:42 PM   Reply to

I love how honest you were. I really identified with the line:

"but when it happens to me, to be honest I don't care about you and your family."

Because it's true. The platitudes don't help and knowing it could be worse doesn't mean that you can't grieve and worry about what you are dealing with...

Really wonderful posts you have here. I am glad you stopped by Mom In Management so that I can now follow you!

Penny December 13, 2010 at 8:20 AM   Reply to

There's not really anything anybody can say to make any of this better.

It's nice to see that men are human and feel the way women often feel. It's amazing that you can write about it honestly on your blog.

Hugs to your family and I wish you all the best.

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