You know I was going to do a funny post today about how I like to use T's girly soap and deodorant and shampoo's and stuff and about Elfie but all that is out the window and I am sitting at my desk looking at this damn computer writing about how I have so many emotions going through my body right now.
I know that I am not the only one that has had a child go through stuff and has had to have stuff done but when it happens to me, to be honest I don't care about you and your family. I only care about my family. I dont care about what you went through and that it turned out ok and how your kid or kids are ok, I care about me, my wife and my kids.
C1 had a appt today to meet with a well know highly recommended doctor about his torticollis and what we might be able to do about it. Surgery. That is what they told T. To release the muscle in his neck. It is not the news that we had wanted to hear.
On the scale of things it might not even be that big of a deal, but since it is my kid it is a huge deal. We may not even go through this deal, but just thinking about it and being told we need have this done is enough to mess with my head. I have no idea how T can keep her head straight. I mean I know she has to since she has the kids all day long and I know that I have to try and be strong around her and the kids and I will, I wont be the normal jerk that I am and I wont let the kids see how upset or stressed I am but you last night when I rolled over and tried to go to sleep I did something that I haven't done in a long time....
I closed my eyes and asked God to hook me up today and do me a favor and let the appointment go good and give us good news....and what did he do...NOTHING. Just when I get to a point when I am leaning toward becoming a huge believer and leaning on the fence that maybe good things do happen for a reason...I ask for something and get nothing.
I know it could be worse. Trust me I know. I know enough people and have seen enough in my life to know it could be worse and I should be lucky. Well I am lucky and I am happy to have a great wife and 4 awesome kids. So how am I suppose to keep a happy face and believe that I am lucky when stuff happens to me or my wife and kids. How am I suppose to know that as string as T is that she will keep it together when I am not there. T is not like me. She doesnt let emotions out like me. She doesnt share it, she doesnt wear her emotions on her sleeve like I do. How am I suppose to feel when she gets upset about this and I want to be strong for her but I cant. Im pissed at the world. I dont want people to tell me it will be ok. I dont care what you think or that you really believe in God and he will get us through this.
I am sitting here wanting to go outside and take a bat and go to town on something. I am wanting to sit here and cry cause I dont know how I am suppose to be a good husband and father and be a man and show strength. I promised when T that when I told her I loved her that I would always protect her. I told T that when we had kids I would always protect them. And here we are and we may be having to cross a road that I never paid too much attention too. Is that protecting my children, I dont think so.
I cant stop thinking about having to go home and discuss this with T and then having to make a decision. I want to go home right now and hug my boy and lay down with him. For what he may or may not go through, I cant stop thinking about it.
As I am typing this I am talking to T on the phone about stuff and we both know and agree that it could be worse and harder it could be but none of that matters. The only bright spot from all of this is that there is a little boy sitting asking Mommy "Do you think the other kids missed me?" and singing songs. I know that what may or may not be done is not even comparing to alot of other things and is considered a small easy out patient deal but for what they are doing and thinking about doing it just keeps messing with my head.
So for those of you that are such huge believers in God and all his work you will have to excuse me while I call BS and wonder how I can be an adult about this and try handle this. My biggest challenge is going to be acting like a grown man and not acting like a fool around my boy.
So really God, I do things by the book and this is what you hand back to me. Do I really need a life lesson about this. Does it have to involve my son? Thanks a lot. Talk to you soon, probably not. Hows that for your "Have Faith" and your "Pray on it"?
KISS THE BABY