Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Change Is Hard!

Some people say change can be hard.  Well change IS hard!

I have some personal problems. I'm sure most of you know this by now.  I actually have too many to really get into right at this moment, so I'm going to just talk about my lack of patience and my need for instant gratification.  Remember this is all on a personal level, doesn't have anything to do with the kids.

I am trying to make some changes in my life right now and it hasn't been that long but I am already feeling a wide ranges of emotions. And none of them are good right now.

Frustrated....I am frustrated by my lack of patience and my need for the instant return of success of the changes I am trying to make.  Again, I haven't been this hard and steady at trying to make these changes for that long but damn, I am ready for the product of my work to be seen and noticed and recognized. I am trying to stay positive but its hard. The only reason my frustration has not spilled over and affected me at home is because T will not let my personal problems of this sort be an issue around her or the kids. 

Lack of Patience....This is my hardest thing to overcome.  I have never had any patience and now that I am trying to make a life change that is for the better, I would think that I would try and be more patient with it but that is not working for me.  I want it now.  I want it all right now.  I'm ready to see the end result of all of my hard work RIGHT NOW!  I have examples all around me that patience is key and it will work out in the end for me but that still does me no good.  Patience is going to be what brings me to my knees and that then leads into the frustration.  No a good combo to have.

Lack of Self Confidence....T tells me all the time "You didn't marry a cheerleader", which is funny because sometimes that is what I feel like I need in order to start or finish something.  She does tell me that if I want something bad enough that I will get it on my own, no matter what it is.  She is great in that way. A motivator more than a cheerleader.  She doesn't think so, but when she gives me shit, it pumps me up.  But the problem with that is, I ask for it too much.  I may come off all cocky and crazy and seem like I have confidence, but I really don't. Not in this area and not when trying new things.  I don't know if having confidence in myself regarding these attempted life changes will make a difference but I guess I need to find out.

Fear....My last emotion in this battle for a better life.  I have the fear of failure.  I am scared. So scared.  I tried this same life change last year and thought I was over the battle and just when I thought I had it beat, I failed.  I don't know how or why I failed but I did.  I was shocked, I cried. I did.  I have the fear of losing this battle and being caught in the cycle of "same routine" that I went through before.  Maybe the fear of failure comes from lack of confidence, hell I don't know.  I'm fearful that I wont be able to finish the quest this time either.  I think if I knew what stopped me the last time maybe I would know how to get over the fear but it still a hurts and its still in the back of my brain.  I have even tried to revisit the past and I cant get any further than last time.  I also fear that I am going to let down T and the C's again.  I really do.  More than myself, for all the shit they have endured they deserve this life change.  They are the reason I am going to fight and fight until I win this time.  But that fear lives on in me.

Frustration, Patience, Confidence and Fear.  These are the four emotions I battle with right now as I try and make a life change.  The only person that can overcome these negatives and turn them into positives are me.  I do know that, now its just time to show it. 

Kiss the baby



christopher (@twistedxtian) February 28, 2012 at 12:01 PM   Reply to

Change is scary. Change is hard. I think that change is almost easier to take when it is quick. Then you don't have time to be scared, or lose confidence, get frustrated, or run out of patience.

Unfortunately change, the change we're looking for, is never quick. Bad change always seems to come quickly, but when we are looking for change it always seems to elude us.

Stick with it. You're doing all the right things, and I know it sucks, but you're awesome. :D (Well, I think so anyway)

S.I.F. February 28, 2012 at 4:56 PM   Reply to

I can relate to the fear of failure more than you know... it holds me back in so many ways it's not even funny. And I definitely have a need for instant gratification, so if I don't see results right away - I FEEL like a failure.

One of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn right now is that nothing worth having comes easily. I'm not sure how true that is (since I seem to know a lot of lucky ass bitches who have a lot of great things just handed to them!) but that's what I'm going with anyway.

Keep your head up buddy. Change is good, even when it's hard as well. Especially change in the name of self improvement. We all still have plenty of work that needs to be done on ourselves...

The Zany Housewife February 28, 2012 at 5:42 PM   Reply to

It's as if you've entered my brain and wrote down exactly what I too, have been facing.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that whatever comes your way, you are able to get through it.

Anonymous,  February 28, 2012 at 7:03 PM   Reply to

Bro, thanks for being honest. The other comments are pretty good(!) I would only add one small thing from my own experience: faith in God.

If my life wasn't surrendered to God, I wouldn't have the grace to survive one more day.

The next time I'm in Atlanta, we'll go out for a beer, and I'll tell the story.

In the mean time: stay honest about it all, and be grateful that your wife doesn't let you make excuses--especially in front of the kids.

You have a hundred people behind you, believing in you, just make it through the day.

Mark L.

Doug February 28, 2012 at 11:18 PM   Reply to

Have faith. Your strength comes from the same place mine does: those little ones in your care. Know, as I do, that you'll succeed for them if not for yourself.

If you need a shoulder, we're here.

Good luck!

Anna February 28, 2012 at 11:42 PM   Reply to

I love reading your (and T's) blog! I love that T said "you're not married to a cheerleader" I am going to borrow that line!

I also love your bedtime post. Good to hear from other homeschooling parents with kids who are night owls! Our kids go to bed between 10-11 pm and they wake up at like 9-11 am and I couldn't imagine it any other way! LOL

Chrissy February 29, 2012 at 10:33 AM   Reply to

She may not want to be your cheerleader, but I know when I need to encourage my husband. It's a need in us, a need for encouragement at times. I hope she can recognize when those times arrive for you.

Scott S. February 29, 2012 at 3:37 PM   Reply to

@Anna, you know how she is. Her cheering style is to hit me with the baseball bat to knock sense into me. And Im glad your kids are night owls too. You guys and the kid can hang with us anytime

@Chrissy, problem is that when I am bitching and moaning about the same thing over and over and not doing anything to help myself, then there is actually no reason she should be a cheerleader for me. I have to want to make the change.

Chrissy March 1, 2012 at 10:20 AM   Reply to

Yes, I get that. I understand having a husband who becomes a needy child. So in that case, no, no cheerleading from me. But in those times, I do sometimes try to help him recognize what he's doing - that is, being detrimental to himself by acting that way and achieving nothing by doing so.

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