My kids are awesome. They are all different but they are all awesome. Every parent will say they have awesome kids but I really think I do.
They all fight to hold my hand, they all want to help. I have fallen too many times to count and they have been right there.
C1 gives me "Hug Attacks" and asks me all the time "Are you ok?" C3 and C4 are always there when a hand needs to be held. Whether their mom tells them to or not. C2 is my rock. Just like me, he won't accept this is over till it's over.
Friday, July 24, 2015
My kids are awesome. They are all different but they are all awesome. Every parent will say they have awesome kids but I really think I do.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Now I told, I should say we told the kids.........
That was the hardest thing to do. All of the kids acted differently. C1 to C4, they all cried, some got upset and threw things. It is the hardest thing ever. They all got it.
I'm doing books for the kids, which is hard enough by itself but to do it for the C's was even harder.
I haven't written in some time, cant remember if I know how.
We have gone to Houston and got bad news again.
Seems like every trip to Houston has the TWO B's. Buc-ees and BadNews.
Kind of different when you're told "do it now", "enjoy your kids", "say goodbye to family and friends. When shit grows in 3 weeks and you're taking a ton of shit, you'd think the tumors are gonna shrink. Ummm, no.
It grows. The tumor grows.
Gotta break this up or i'll type until I nap. Which is sometime today. That seems to be all I do.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
I'm not going to bullshit you.
This tumor that popped up in March on my brain stem, it's really starting to kick my ass.
Mentally and Physically.
Not only is it robbing me of my balance, the feeling in certain parts of my body but now PAIN.
Not the Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock kind of (Joy and) PAIN either.
Just imagine that cute girl in school that you crushed on forever, only to find out she was into your buddy.
My face hurts like hell. The throbbing comes and goes. From my eye to my teeth and my mouth.
Only until yesterday has it been bearable. At one point the pain in my nose got so bad I could of cried. It felt as if a bee were stinging me over and over (times a million).
That's the worst physical pain I feel. It's bad too.
Mentally, I've had a harder time then I let on with CrossFit. My balance affects my lifting. Even jump roping. Shit, I have to learn how to jump rope again. I can't run.
I still go. I love it. But I suck and I have had a harder time dealing with that then I thought.
So I hurt, and I lie. I tell everyone I'm fine.
I don't want anyone to ask, don't need anyone to talk to. Just leave me be to deal with my own stupid personal shit.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Not in the Victoria Secret kind of way, but...oh never mind. I won't go there.
Months ago we learned of Nora and Aaron, and it sucks for her more than me to know he had the same kind of tumor. If you read the blog, you will learn what type of people both of them were. Breaks my heart to say WERE. Aaron had another wife, which I would have married Katy Perry, but who am I to question what choices he made.
When we were introduced via the web I was still in remission from my first tumor. I would admire from afar and recognize how awesome Nora was. For some reason I was given the chance to be the home to a new tumor on my brain stem. New circumstances, new things to overcome but it's #BetterThanDying!
Somehow Nora found us. She befriended us. It was like a hero joined us. Funny tweets, messages that made me smile, it seemed unreal. T got me the green "Still Kickin" shirt. It went on a run of 10 days through Md Anderson and I didn't care how it smelled. All of a sudden the Grey one showed up. I guess T got tired of me wearing the same shirt every day.
Nora has mentioned us in a blog post of hers. Which gets millions of readers. She just recently brought back the "Still Kickin" shirt and has the proceeds coming to us. What?!?! I'm wondering if there is an end to her kindness? Is she a wolf in sheep's clothes? I keep waiting for her to snatch the rug from under us, but she just keeps putting the pepperoni on the pizza. It gets better. She gets nicer and better!
Bring in Athena. Queen of Fancy Writing she is. If you go check her shit out you'll see what I mean. I found her from stuff Nora had posted. I was drawn to the kick ass handwriting style and the endless positive messages. One day she asked for people to send her their address for letters. She said she had something to send me anyways. It was "perfect timing". Ive been trying to pay it forward with the kindness and thought a letter would be great to pass on. Got a letter from Athena. Still don't know what it says, but it awaits the perfect person. I also opened a special gift from The Goddess of Wisdom. A great shirt that reads "It's Going To Be Okay", and it will. I tell T all the time since Cancer hit us, it's going to be ok.
Athena keeps telling me I'm a warrior, a difference maker and it's hard to think of myself like that but when someone tells you that, I guess I have to believe it. Keep doing good for others. Another thing is she also has great shirts on the website. She then gave me the story on the shirt and I was floored. Her kindness never ends. A special piece of paper was also with the shirt and the note. Thank you so much for that. She is like the ice cream with extra whip cream on top, it's better than you expected.
It's kind of crazy to think about meeting (on web) these two incredible women who have done so much, and all they have asked for in return is NOTHING.
Check out Nora's shirt, which now is available in white.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Usually our taste in music is kind of hit or miss. We either like the same songs or we don't.
I like everything but Country.
I'm listening to music right now. JT is on.
I was in radiation one day and they play what I like. They knew, NO COUNTRY. That was my only request. I heard only a bit of the song and all I could remember was "you got my heart racing", something like that. Enough to google and figure out what the song was.
I listened to it all and I liked it.
I don't know if T heard it or not? We had so much going on while in Houston, songs were probably the last thing on her mind. She took care of me, the C's, all my appointments and last but least herself. She deserves an award. Doing this two times in a year is incredible.
Every sentence has started with I. This either shows my lack of writing creativity or I am self centered in my thinking of how great T is.
Someone would like to think that songs and music can describe their marriage, life and love. That person is a sap. He loves his wife to no end.
Monday, April 13, 2015
I can still smell the oysters and the beach. Lanky, Derek, Phil, Karey, Brandon and Myself.
She came into my world.
This day, she's still in my world.
To be honest, she is the most important thing that keeps me going in this world.
The notes, cards, the writing on mirrors and windows don't measure up to what she actually means to me. I can remember one time when she almost left. I cried and begged. Thank goodness, no high speed internet then. I'd be in trouble.
People, some people I should say are obsessed / were obsessed with the word "pussy whipped", I call it willing to do anything for the one you love. Happens to be the wife.
Everyone knows the story of how we met. So, we'll skip that.
All the times she took care of me when I was sick. All the listening she did while I worked for THAT job which I HATED. All the kidney stones. All my sexual advances after long days, I still do that. Old habits die hard. The years of drinking, she made me realize was too much.
There was so much. There is still so much she puts up with. Now it's CrossFit and Cancer.
She listens to me as I endlessly talk about CrossFit. CrossFit this and that.
She has made Cancer her life just as much Cancer has made itself part of my life.
I picture her beating on that door as I filled the room with marijuana smoke. I can still recall her and I walking along the beach and thinking we lost her nice sandals.
She has definitely lived the "for better for worse" vows we promised.
She has made me a better person. She has made me a better parent.
I joke about her being a taxi during my treatments but damn, she really is. I never told her how scared I was the first time they told me I had Cancer. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I would live or die. Then the second time, a new tumor. She jumps up and figures out what to do next.
I love her. The podo days are still alive and well. I love that ass. I know that's bad and dirty but I love her ass. She has clothes that make me say awwwwwee damn. I still act like a 5yo and I can't tell if she hates that or pretends to hate that.
She hates my singing. My dancing sucks too. She likes that though.
I could write forever about her and I. 15 years of marriage on Wednesday April 15th and I love her more now than before. 15 years of love.
T, I love you so much. Let's do another 15.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Bobby will continue to.
Give me a hard time.
See yesterday just out of the blue my FAVORITE CrossFitter followed me on the twitter webs. Me, little ol me. I was excited. I really don't have much to offer except for brain cancer, radiation and chemo jokes. My charms and good looks don't get a lot in return so, we just call that one even.
But, she followed. Not for my CrossFit skills.
LiftLikeLindsey - Lindsey Valenzula followed ME on twitter. I didn't know if the radiation had gotten to me or if she was having burpee flashes.
I said "must be a mistake" El O Eling.
Monday, April 6, 2015
I feel for all the people at Md Anderson that are getting treated.
I see kids to adults, good spirits to bad. It's almost funny how a persons frame of mind mirrors how they feel about things and places. I was in a bad environment for so long when I had my tumor last year, I called the radiation center the "Basement of Doom"
Now I call the radiation center "Basement of Happiness".
I wonder how any of these people work, or how the kids go to school.
It's all in the attitude.
Met a kid the other day at radiation and can not remember his name for the life of me, get for the life of me. Think it was Danny. This kid has the greatest attitude. Wears his shades and is always smiling. Is he hiding pain behind those glasses? Maybe, but I bet he is stronger than I.
I had to thank him one day for being so positive. he said "Thank You" to me.
I said no, Thank You.
Crush it Danny!!!!!!!!
Thursday, April 2, 2015
I could probably list on both hands the people from my past that I have no issues in seeing.
Last night we saw one, met his wife and their two kids. Wasn't at all what I expected. I expected good and we were introduced to great!
Eric and his wife Jessica along with the two kids of course came over to our prestine rental house. I have not seen him in 15 years. Never met his wife or their kids.
I was so shocked. Eric had not changed a bit. Jessica hadn't changed either. I mean, she got better while she was here if that counts. She was awesome. The girls were great. My kids have already asked about them. We talked about old times which can be a damper depending on who you ask, or talk to. Shared stories of druken nights, times of being high, antics that were had, and fun times all around. But last night it was fun.
It was like no time was lost. Eric and Jessica loved my great skin and shaved legs. Eric kept calling me "Nancyboy" so I'm not sure if he hurt his head or not. We spoke of April Fools Jokes which T
T and I laughed. Laughed a lot. It was nice. We kept them up past their bedtime and I felt bad for that, really but I'm glad they came over.
We sure did #hashtag the hell out of everything last night. We facebooked and twittered the night away.
Monday, March 30, 2015
March is a shitty month. I take that back, kind of. C2 has a birthday and turned 10 this year. Today as a matter of fact. I only spent part of the day with him, but saw him open gifts and eat cake. Tomorrow is T's birthday, so that's good and I love that day for her. Even though she hates a big deal to be made over her. So the fact that I have two loved ones with birthday's back to back is great.
I found out last March that I had Brain Cancer. So that made March suck.
As I was fighting Cancer and in "remission" I had some side effects one day and they started to get worse. I was called in for a mri and some tests.
"Your tumor has come back" I was not prepared for that. I wasn't. I cried more in that 10 minutes than I did the entire time of the first "You have Brain Cancer" announcement.
This time it's on my Brain Stem. A place they can't operate. "Inoperable" is now what I have. I have an inoperable brain tumor. Fucking great. What do I do know?
Another March, another tumor.
Sorry C2, sorry T.
March sucks ass.
Except for the 30th and the 31st.
Every other day in March sucks.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Ok. Some weird crazy shit happens in Houston.
Apparently these are optional in Houston. Just ask T.
And in case you are wondering (and I know you are not), the WORLDS worst Wal-Mart is here in Houston. They don't even sell milk. They do sell ice cream products, but no ice cream.
What the Hell
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
When I was younger I thought it would be cool to look back on all the experiences I had. Walking in the Pentagon where my parents worked. Living in Germany and traveling to all the different places that other some other kids might not get to do.
Now I think about stuff my kids have done that maybe some other kids haven't done. Since we homeschool, our kids have had the chance to spend a lot of time at hospitals. Not a glamorous lifestyle. I don't like doing it myself to be honest.
In Georgia with my first treatment of Cancer they went to my appointments. They met the oncologist, the radiologists and made several trips to drop me at the "Basement of Doom" as I called it. They even got to meet Atlanta Falcons players one time.
Now as we got more news of another tumor, we had to rent a house in Houston. We are going to Md Anderson daily. The kids are going with us. Doctor meetings, Radiologists meetings, the kids are spending a ton of time in the Hospital.
When they are older are they going to look back and remember that as an experience?
Are they going to think of it as something they got to do that other kids might not have?
I wonder the effect all of this has on the kids. I wonder if they think about it as much as I do?
Guess we will know if any of them become doctors of some kind or if they hate hospitals when they are older.
Bet they would love daily trips to Disney more.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
We are at a famous rest gas stop in Texas and suddenly I'm told "I don't really care for sausage."
Wait, after all these years "You don't like sausage?" I asked
How could this woman NOW just tell me this. Did she like "Buns" and just not want to tell me?
Would she let me choose her "Buns" if that is what she wanted?
I have good taste in "Buns", I could choose some really good ones.
This is the type of conversation that goes on during a road trip. A lot happens from San Antonio to Houston.
She does indeed like "The Sausage" though.
Monday, March 23, 2015
It's all the same just different people. Bloodwork, Mri's, doc's, walking around a hospital in circles. Then they say it might be an infection not a tumor. More tests need to be run. Mri that takes hour and a half to two hours. What the hell. That sucks. Biopsy? If someone had the balls to say "I can do the biopsy and not kill you" I'd chance it, maybe. No one ever talks themselves up. If I were a doc I'd be like "I'm the badest mutha fofo in this hospital!!!" I'd admit to being such a badass I would have Taylor Swift in repeat followed by the Bee Gees. I have to talk people into saying they're a badass. Dr. Dunbar said she was a kickass oncologist. Dr. McLaughlin knew those laser beams would know shrink that shit out.
It's all about attitude. POSITIVE ATTITUDE. Even on my worst days no one can tell that I have anything other than a bad attitude other than T or the C's. Today March 23 2015 I met a sweet lady named Audra in the blood work area. Looking for a seat, I had one next to me and told her "I don't bite unless I'm paid" She offered me some chap stick. Mhhhh. No, like money but that's ok. She was in from Louisiana but I didn't tell her how bad her state and Saints sucked ass.
Lisbeth Darsh said it's all in a mindset. That's true in anything. T says I'm walking and moving better today, but until I feel like I am, I believe I'm not. I miss my ground support team that tells me I'm more inspiring that I feel i am. Bobby, Todd are long time brothers that are family who are always there. John and Christopher are brothers from another mother.
People from Hill Country CrossFit are family that have shown up from nowhere. Without even mentioning people like Laura, Danny, Chris Bruce, Charlie Riddle and Ira, they have that POSITIVE ATTITUDE. Guys like Eli, Stefan, and Russell who don't know me from dirt on the ground have jumped right in and been there with joyfulness. Coach Aaron and Bryan have stepped in too.
Two of my new favorites are Dan M and Chandra M. They are so caring and always go out of their way say hello. And they are so nice to T, which wins me over.
Kenne talks like I'm some hero and I swear I'm not. Tonia lights up like I'm Matthew McConaughey, and I'm and ugly big nosed dude. They are great.
I'm surrounded by nothing but positive. Cant lie in Ga, there was negative around. That old job, my neighbor, selling the house, packing to move. To me those were negatives.
Andrew Watson has opened my eyes to a world of kindness and caring. His family has. If we haven't scared them off, we'll have them over to our house when its done. Clays For Cara along with Justin Hobbs shows what its like to care for others. That's where I'm heading, caring and working for others with www.kettlebellsforbraincells.com
Caring and being positive go along way. Everyone can learn from folks who go to Hill Country CrossFit.
For you Aunt B. Heard that vmail. lol
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
The World is full of complainers.
Coffee sucks. Well then make your own.
This shirt doesn't fit. Make it fit. Lose weight or get Gainz.
Dinner is not ready. Fix it faster.
People complain on who their sports team signs and resigns. 99% never played NFL football, ran an organization, or owned a team.
I have Brain Cancer. Have for a year or so. Now all of a sudden I have a Brain Stem Tumor. I'm back at Md Anderson for Radiation and Chemo for 6 weeks. I'm doing Avastin Chemo every once in a while during my stay. My Tumor is inoperable. I've only complained about my side effects and symptoms.
You can complain, but does that make it any better? You can bitch and moan, but will your situation or day be any better off?
You say your head hurts. Do you ever think about those who have head issues? Your back or your leg hurts, how about you not being able to walk?
Just think. People bashing on Kroy Biermann prompted this quick post. I don't care if he gets one or many sacks. He could get zero and would still be there next to Matty Ice, Julio Jones as my favorite players.
Spill and direct your hate to something that is hateful like Cancer. Like Tumors. Like things that cause Cancer.
While you're at it go LEARN something on www.kettlebellsforbraincells.com ( KB4BC). Where I'm directing all of my unused energy to Brain Tumor Research and making life better for those with Brain Cancer.
Hate if you want, direct it the right way.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
So this morning I was in the shower and that feeling came over me that has not in a long time. I actually didn't fall YET, and my hands were off my junk.
I threw up. A LOT.
Either meds, lunch, both but that was the first time. T, being the awesome wife helped me out. I was more upset that she had to clean that mess up and help me dry off than anything. I cried. That's been happening too much lately.
Last night was Avastin. Lady couldn't find my veins said they were small. Hmm. Told her the one that matters is bigger. They were nice, that's what matters.
I did radiation yesterday and today. They are cool. Lady reminds me of my Aunt Belinda kind of. They play the music I like. "NO COUNTRY" It's fast. I'll have a new mask to add to the collection. MD Anderson has a maze for the ra-docs department.
Can't lie. I miss Hill Country CrossFit. That's a fact but Pin-Up CrossFit owner let me borrow a Concept2 at the house we are renting for the time we are here. Andrew Mitchell, cousin of my doctors Nurse Jennifer.
I will row my ass off so I can beat Jerry and Camilla. Gotta beat them.
Day 7 in a row of #Stillkickinthis shirt.
This post wasn't insightful or educational. But some days I do that shit. Write about nothing,
My most important education came for someone in the dm's of the twitterworld.
She's awesome and kicks ass. She's hot and talented. She's thoughtful and sincere.
She's my friend.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
I want to tell you about my Friday and Saturday before I head off to Md Anderson get laser beams shot in my head and take a shit load of poison, possibly turn green and walk around with that old skull and bones above me.
Andrew and his wife Sara with their two awesome kids came over for pizza, water, and brownies. Yes we serve our guests water. They both are Aggies so I am choosing my words carefully. Sara made it clear what she would do to Aggie "haters" as she stood close to the knives. And no pizza party is complete without a fire.
Those two are 100% filled with greatness. I fully expected to cry when talking to Andrew cause he has done so much for us. I know Sara has also, it what teams do and they are a winning team those two. What I didn't expect was Sara to tear up, which got to me. Sara has seen me and talked to me FOUR times. HEB, Clays Event, Dinner and now the house. She broke my heart in a great way and that will stay between all of us. Thank you two for everything and a great Friday night.
Now Saturday morning was flip sided up side down when T's alarm clock went off before mine. But ok. She was going to Hill Country CrossFit FOR ME. I need a taxi driver again. She's hot, free, and a good driver. HOT too. Tracy, John M, and C4 all loaded up. I wanted to do 15.3, and thought I could. I got out of the car and what two people do I see first? Dan and Chandra. What a great way to show up. I don't know if it gets better. Go in, my spirit is lifted as I see Laura, Tonia, Ira, Thom, Eli and his wife. Met Aaron for the first time, of course Jerry showed up, always good to see Jerry. His bro Dave had the brightness from the shoes. Busting out in the Jayhawk shirt Camilla was there. Russell, Stefan, kicked ass as normal. Danny was there and was not letting me back out. Blake and Kelly were there so I had to do the wod. Blake won't let a person NOT workout.
Chris Bruce got there. That meant a lot. Andrew was there. Ira. Man, if i could sit and cry with a dude all day, it would be Ira.
Charlie. Charlie inspires me. Something about the words he says, the way he says them just get through my skin.
I hope I am not forgetting anyone. Please tell me. TELL ME. Oh Bruce, what you did this morning, man that can NEVER be duplicated.
Seriously tell me if I forgot anyone. T, said EVERYONE was so nice.
Hope to see MY box soon. Hill Country CrossFit is MY box.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
People who know me understand I do think in messed up ways. I tend to think about stuff I really shouldn't during times like these.
For instance, CrossFit. I was just getting back to some of the weight I was at before and now I will basically have to start over again. I hate not being able to lift. Situps hurt my head. Double Unders give me a headache. My arm is numb so pull ups are an issue.
I guess I will be a bad ass rowing machine and will beat Jerry and Camilla at Rowling. Jerry taught me so I learned for the man.
It's harder to do things than it was before. Trust me no one wants this job. It hasn't gotten there, but no one wants this job.
As of this morning, driving is off the table till I feel better.
I let T clean my ears. I never let her do that before. I'm getting soft.
My sex drive is not gone. NOT. Hear that T. Keep those jeans on that I love. Wait, I mean take them off. We don't want them getting wrinkled.
I'm working on an event. Gotta keep that up. It's important to me.
My mouth hurts. Won't stop me from talking shit but it just hurts a little more.
Weed. Well lets just say the thought is there. A STRONG thought is there.
Asking people to do stuff for me is hard. But it may be something I need to do.
Realizing advice is like ONE asshole, everyone has one, but some peoples are bigger than others.
Beer tastes good after 7 years. 2 beers taste even better. "No, I always walk in a zig zag line officer"
Going to Houston doesn't excite me. Getting radiation and chemo AGAIN excite me. Ok I'm lying.
Hearing from people I wouldn't expect is great.
People care, they really do. It amazes me how many. FAMILY
I'll do it again. I'll beat it.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
I'm writing this in a worse mood than I was last year when the doc told me I had Cancer. That's right LAST MARCH.
I have had some recent side effects that T and I thought were from the meds. We thought the chemo was having a weird toll on my body or we thought my seizure med were behind it.
Went and had blood done and it was normal. Fine.
I had a MRI Feb 2 and everything looked great. Another clean scan.
Right side of my face is numb.
Right inside of my mouth is sore.
Left side from upper ab to my foot is numb and tingly and sore.
Left arm is sore.
It got worse over the weekend.
Another MRI on March 9th. A month later that the last one. Doctor looked and said "I can't believe this" A Tumor had grown on my Brain Stem in a month.
That's why 15.2 (Crossfitters know) was horrible. No balance. Kept leaning to my left. Shit, I cant even lift. I can only row.
"Another Tumor. Inoperable." He said. I cried. I left the room. Busted out of there. Probably was not fair to my wife and children who were in there, but I stormed out and cried more. Wanted to punch the walls, door, whatever but I tend to hurt myself when I do that.
Had to stay another day to meet radiation doc and figure out what to do. Went over all my choices which was do chemo and radiation, live with it and die in a few months or do surgery and probably die on the table. Still was not an easy decision.
I cried. It has broken my heart to see T cry. To see my daughter cry killed me inside. I mean tore me up. C3 had a different cry, not a scrap knee type but a kind of hurt that got to both of us.
I'll do it again. Again I'll do radiation and chemo. I'll cry more than last time. Think about death more. Curse life more. Probably wont be as forgiving. I don't know. I just don't know. My one outlet of therapy I can't even do right now. CrossFit. I miss it already. The wods, the sweat, laying on the floor. I can only row. Rowing fun, but sometimes I want to squat. Press. Jerk.
So not to make her feel guilty, but I will fight for C3. I want my daughter to have a dad. ME. Who the fuck else would I want to hug her, tuck her in, kiss her???????
Cancer ok. Tumor, wow. I'm hurting but I'm not in pain.
If you see grammar errors, count then. Winner get a prize. #sarcasm
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
It's been 1 year since being told "You have Glioblastoma". A whole lot has changed since then. New way of life, different fights, deeper causes and more meaning in my life. I'm not as angry, well except for yesterday when an old lady made racial and rude comments I didn't agree with. Everything means more to me. T, the C's and friends. New friends and old. Family near and far. CrossFit, PR's or not. I am happy for the fact that I have had no complications from my oral chemo and seizure meds........until now. Don't know what the side effects are from, but it's my new normal.
I remember this day 1 year ago like it was yesterday. I was more concerned about the staples being pulled out then finding out if I had Cancer or not? I'm mentally a baby but I thought I could handle the news. The news came and I teared up but didn't cry heavily like I was expecting. I still say to this day "I never used this brain, why did it have to get Cancer?" lol. John came to visit, Christopher came to visit along with family I hadn't seen in forever. People sent CrossFit shirts, which I love. Shoes next time, and socks. Kidding I'm kidding.
I'm glad I'm still here and glad I get to smile and laugh. My memories are different from T's. I remember the drives to the basement of doom and the horrible county music that I begged them not to play during my radiation cycles. I can go on and on.
Last year on this day I found out what strength was. Not a thruster, power clean or squat (although those do improve a way of life too). I realized that Brain Cancer was not going to knock me down, it would slow me and alter my course but it would not be a stop sign.
LAUGHTER AND POSITIVITY HAVE GOTTEN ME THROUGH THIS, TO THIS POINT. KNOWLEDGE AND STRENGTH HAVE GOTTEN T THROUGH THIS.
Thank all of you.
Below was from last year.
I told you all my story and how I recall it all may bounce around and of course it has.
I went from starting with this It's Not Rocket Science
And then next I added this to the story The Beginning Of Brain Cancer - Part 2
I told you about starting my Radiation Treatments Session Number One Of Radiation
Which brings me to today. Today I will tell how and what I felt as I found out that I was diagnosed with Brain Cancer.
It happened on March 3, 2014. An appointment at Dr. Ahmad Khaldi's office who happens to be one of the TOP Cerebrovascular and Endovascular Neurosurgeons in the Country. Now I don't know what any of that shit I just typed means but he saved my life so I don't need to know. He performed the surgery and got the "mass" out of my head. Not saying "Brain" cause it is still being debated if I had / have a brain.
There is also Brenda Glenn who is Dr. Khaldi's assistant. She is also the short haired hottie that put my head back together with screws, nuts and bolts and plates and then stapled me shut with about 30-35 staples.
Now as we headed to the appointment all I was really concerned about was getting the staples out. I was nervous about that because I knew that it would not so much hurt but the nagging factor of getting 30 something staples pulled out was not going to be fun. Boy was Brenda happy to see me. She was so happy to see me that she jumped for joy over seeing how good my "fault" line as I call it in my head was healing and she was so proud of her work. She came in and joked and without even a warning or notice..
SHE STARTED RIPPING STAPLES OUT OF MY MELON. Ok, that may be a little (A LOT) dramatic but it didn't feel great. I was even making noises that led her to say "Oh, YOU"RE one of those!" lol. Yes I am one of those, I said.
Then Dr. Khaldi enters the office and sits in the chair all relaxed and such and starts telling T and I about the surgery and how he decided to do what he did. Why he made the cut in my hairline instead of around my eyebrow and then he started telling us about the mass / tumor he took out of my head. He explained that the surgery went great and he was pleased with how everything was healing. He was telling us about how the tumor was not near my eyes and that was a good thing. I loved that Dr. Khaldi was not trying to "Smart talk" us and was very informative about everything.
"You have Grade 4 Glioblastoma and it is a very fast spreading and aggressive type of Cancer in the Brain." He was showing us scans and pic's of my brain and where the tumor was and how there were other Cancer cells around other parts of my brain. So after all of the talking and explaining and talking I kind of had NO DAMN IDEA of what the hell he even said. I mean I was listening and trying to comprehend but I just didn't understand it at all. "OK, I said to him.....Can you please dumb it down for me? Do I have Brain Cancer?"
YES! He said. "You have Brain Cancer! And like I said it is an aggressive and fast spreading type of Cancer." Then he gave me good news. "It will not leave your brain and spread to other parts of your body." OHHHH, That is GOOD NEWS?!!! OK, I am thinking shit...I have fucking Brain Cancer. I didn't cry when he told me. I looked at T and our eyes met and then I took a deep sigh. Then my next question.
"Am I going to die?"
Dr. Khaldi "Its not a matter of if but when."
FUCK! That is when I started to tear up. (Just like I am now as I write this)
Now I am still trying to not lose it and T is calm as can be and Dr. Khaldi and Brenda are giving me hugs and telling me that I can beat this. Now this is the funny part. They told me that I was "YOUNG and HEALTHY". Ok, I'm 41 and I have fucking Brain Cancer. Where is the Young and who the fuck thinks Cancer is Healthy?
"Nothing you have done or nothing you could have done could have prevented this" they tell me. Just a freak thing that happened and the seizure is what set it off and let us find out what was going on in your brain."
They tell me that I have a KP Score of 100. (Info on KP Scores) and that is the best score. It basically says that I have a great potential for recovery. Doesn't make me feel better but ok. They tell me that they think since I am in good shape and physically fit that I will have a good chance at beating this even going through the Chemotherapy and Radiation. They also then tell me that they are fast tracking me for Chemo and Radiation.
So on March 3, 2014 I was told that I have Brain Cancer. My life has now been turned upside down and inside out. I'm 41 with a fucking great awesome wife that loves me and we have four wonderful children. I don't know what to think or what to do.
Me, the guy that CrossFits daily, eats clean, hasn't drank in 7 years, doesn't smoke and lives right has now been informed that I have Brain Cancer.
Life will never be the same.
But without Dr. Khaldi, I wouldn't have the chance to write this and or even have the chance to try and have a life. I also asked him if doing Chemo and Radiation will make this better. I can do six weeks of this and then die in six months? "YES, he said but you may also live many years!"
Thursday, February 26, 2015
As I entered the room, I saw her standing against the wall.
I stared at her in the dim light.
It was cool and the there was a scent in the air that swept the room.
She could tell I was nervous but didn't make any mention of it. She just sat there and didn't say anything because she didn't was to change the mood.
I moved over to touch her. She was cold and hard, I got excited as I touched her and moved her over to put her in the right position. I could tell this wasn't her first time as she moved without hesitation.
Not confident in the amount of time I'd have with her, I wanted to make sure I used every second of it.
We talked as I bowed over her. Actually, I did most of the talking.
As others started to come into the room we let it be known that we were there together.
Our alone time was over and from that point on our Worlds had changed forever.
At least mine had.
My first time.
The CrossFit Open 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
I live in an area that could be considered country. Who are we shitting, it is country. I mean when deer are eating out of your backyard and the local post office is no bigger than a bedroom, that's country. I don't have a problem with it, honestly the peace and quiet is great. Kids can play without be hit by cars. Neighbors are acres away. It's nice. Country living is nice. There is an area called the Cowboy Capital of the World, really I'm serious. Look it up. Google it Bitch. Don't try me.
I have a few loves in my life. T, the 4 C's, our pets, my custom Nanos, MYSELF and MYSELF can go anywhere except in front of the C's or T. Now when I say "Love Myself" it's not in that way. Gutterminds.
Oh,. I also love SOCKS. I have loved socks for years now. I can recall a conversation with Todd (ClubbyDubby-CrossFit badass) who is like family, years ago. NO WHITE SOCKS. Trash them all. Only black. With that it was "Kids, I have some socks to pass down." I have all kinds, colors and lengths.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
February 19th, 2014
In a bed at Kennestone Hospital, I remember refusing to pee while I lie there. Who the fuck pees laying down. Unless wearing a diaper I'm not having that. I got up, stood up and peed in the bottle.
Now a year later and removed from Georgia (not by the police - this time) we can look at the events that occurred in a number of ways. We can be sappy and get emotional, nah that's bullshit and we've done that before. We can be mellow and straight laced and lay out nothing but the facts. Shit the facts are this I had a seizure and they removed a tumor. Hey, lets all cry. Nah. Lets all laugh, but I'm usually the only one that thinks my shit is funny.
Screw it. Here is what I'll do. I have some Foo Fighters in my ears as I type this. I've been naughty language free in recent posts but lets forget that shit. Let's all breathe and all say FUCK at the same time. Feels good right?
So, everyone that knows me has a pretty good understanding that I am agnostic and that is something that has pulled at me over the course of my adult life. I don't know who to thank or what to believe but I was so unhappy and stressed at a dead end job. I had been searching for a job for so long in either Florida or Texas and then it all happened. I can remember the sour cries of others as I ate my homemade fish tacos that made the office stink. So what, fish smells get over it. I talked to T on the phone, then from memories that I will never recall, I face planted on the grossest, nastiest floor in the history of floors. Think interstate rest stop floors. Think concert porta potty floors. Think football..OK you get my point. The reason I started this was to say, the seizure was my way out of that prison. Yeeeee damn Haw.
I've learned a lot in the past year. Now do I call this an Anniversary? Do I call it a celebration of another year lived? I didn't even realize today was "THE DAY" until saw a few messages.
I had a seizure, some shit was pulled out of my head and some hot woman by the name of Brenda stapled me back up again. The past year has brought changes and challenges. I have added family to our core of 6. I have found out who is there for you and who is not. Trust me you wouldn't guess some of the people that are on which side. A cousin I talked mad shit about, came to my side. I have met so many NEW people since moving that are awesome.
I get crazy headaches which is ok, at least I don't get major aches and pains in my ass. Or balls. I have a weird looking scar on my head, but I'm ok with that too. I tell people I was overhead squatting like 250lb's on a weak bar and it broke on my head. I get to take cool naps in a machine where music plays, my mri's. I help support vampires across the World by giving blood monthly. Oh shit, can't forget the awesome Chemo I take orally, don't take the word oral out of context. And the glowing green color I have when you see me is not from the crazy clothes I wear or my socks, it's from all of the radiation.
So let's say FUCK IT, realize Fuck is just a word. If you are crying about me using the word FUCK then well shit, I'm sorry.
Have a #BetterThanDying day and like a wise man told me
"Don't look behind, Look Ahead" - Bobby Brooks
Sunday, February 8, 2015
What do you get when a hypocrite and a bully walk in the door of a business at the same time?
OK. I promised myself that I wouldn't go back into the past and talk about that horrible joke.
So much has gone on in almost exactly a year and I am no longer looking in the past in anger or revenge but in search of knowledge and examples of how I can make the future a brighter and much happier place.
I have had several influences turned mentors come to the surface since last February and most of are considered family now.
Something big is going to be happening in the next few months and I am so honored to have so many of the aforementioned mentors on my side. With my new project I am looking to make a huge splash.
Can people look back? Yes.
Can we choose to not look back? Yes.
Looking back is a choice we can make and we can figure out how to use what we see in our personal rear view mirror.
I'm choosing to take quick glances behind me while speeding ahead and making new choices and maybe falling off track a time or two but no one that ever had success at something new did it with no stumbles or falls.
Stick with me and see what happens.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Last March when I heard the words "You have Brain Cancer", I knew things had to change.
I had to change the way I lived my life from eating and taking care of my body, mind and spirit but I had also realized that I needed to change the way I looked at things.
Simple things that always bothered me. Things that the kids did or didn't do. The way they eat or don't. Fighting with each other. What they watch. What they wear. Things that don't affect anything if we do our job as parents. I could go on and on with a list of things but the fact is that the 4 C's are my (and T's) kids and I don't really give a shit what they do as long as they are still my kids.
Keeping that mindset has been the hardest for me to remember and stick to. I still get wrapped up in the little bullshit. Why?
Why is the word that always creeps back into my head.
So I have reset my brain and I will go back to what I personally call CrossFit Parenting. When things get hard, I will step back, look at what is happening and then GO. Like trying to lift a bar and it having too much weight on it. Step back and remove some and go again.
As circumstances with my life and T and the C's get going too fast then I will remember to pace myself. Like in CrossFit, someone has to come in last. Well, I can go slower and still get done what is best for my family. No matter how long it takes.
Kids do what kids do. An 11, 9. 8 and 5 year old are going to do crazy shit and flip it upside down and do it again and the next time it will be completely different. Why question it, why question them?
Parenting is the never ending CrossFit Wod of life. It's not for time. It's not how many rounds can you finish. It's the lessons of Unthinkable and Unknowable that will stay with us a lifetime.
TWO people are raising OUR kids and WE know what's best and we adapt and change as the days go by.
I gotta lace em up and get rolling. Time for me to inhale and exhale.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
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**All money donated goes to the Flatwater Foundation.**