Monday, March 30, 2015

March Does Suck

March is a shitty month.  I take that back, kind of.  C2 has a birthday and turned 10 this year.  Today as a matter of fact.  I only spent part of the day with him, but saw him open gifts and eat cake.  Tomorrow is T's birthday, so that's good and I love that day for her.  Even though she hates a big deal to be made over her.  So the fact that I have two loved ones with birthday's back to back is great.

I found out last March that I had Brain Cancer.  So that made March suck.

As I was fighting Cancer and in "remission" I had some side effects one day and they started to get worse.  I was called in for a mri and some tests.

"Your tumor has come back"  I was not prepared for that.  I wasn't.  I cried more in that 10 minutes than I did the entire time of the first "You have Brain Cancer" announcement.

This time it's on my Brain Stem.  A place they can't operate.  "Inoperable" is now what I have.  I have an inoperable brain tumor.  Fucking great.  What do I do know?

Another March, another tumor.

March sucks.

Sorry C2, sorry T.

March sucks ass.

Except for the 30th and the 31st.

Every other day in March sucks.



Thursday, March 26, 2015

Couple Things. Actually just a couple.

Ok. Some weird crazy shit happens in Houston.

Apparently these are optional in Houston.  Just ask T.

And in case you are wondering (and I know you are not), the WORLDS worst Wal-Mart is here in Houston.  They don't even sell milk.  They do sell ice cream products, but no ice cream.

What the Hell



Wednesday, March 25, 2015

What will they think of this

When I was younger I thought it would be cool to look back on all the experiences I had.  Walking in the Pentagon where my parents worked.  Living in Germany and traveling to all the different places that other some other kids might not get to do.

Now I think about stuff my kids have done that maybe some other kids haven't done.  Since we homeschool, our kids have had the chance to spend a lot of time at hospitals.  Not a glamorous lifestyle.  I don't like doing it myself to be honest.

In Georgia with my first treatment of Cancer they went to my appointments.  They met the oncologist, the radiologists and made several trips to drop me at the "Basement of Doom" as I called it.  They even got to meet Atlanta Falcons players one time.  

Now as we got more news of another tumor, we had to rent a house in Houston.  We are going to Md Anderson daily.  The kids are going with us.  Doctor meetings, Radiologists meetings, the kids are spending a ton of time in the Hospital.  

When they are older are they going to look back and remember that as an experience?

Are they going to think of it as something they got to do that other kids might not have?

I wonder the effect all of this has on the kids.  I wonder if they think about it as much as I do?  

Guess we will know if any of them become doctors of some kind or if they hate hospitals when they are older. 

Bet they would love daily trips to Disney more. 



Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Lesson from a road trip

We are at a famous rest gas stop in Texas and suddenly I'm told "I don't really care for sausage."

Wait, after all these years "You don't like sausage?" I asked

How could this woman NOW just tell me this.  Did she like "Buns" and just not want to tell me?

Would she let me choose her "Buns" if that is what she wanted?

I have good taste in "Buns", I could choose some really good ones.

This is the type of conversation that goes on during a road trip.  A lot happens from San Antonio to Houston.

She does indeed like "The Sausage" though.



Monday, March 23, 2015

Positive vs. Negative

It's all the same just different people.  Bloodwork, Mri's, doc's, walking around a hospital in circles.  Then they say it might be an infection not a tumor.  More tests need to be run.  Mri that takes hour and a half to two hours. What the hell.  That sucks.  Biopsy?  If someone had the balls to say "I can do the biopsy and not kill you" I'd chance it, maybe.  No one ever talks themselves up.  If I were a doc I'd be like "I'm the badest mutha fofo in this hospital!!!"  I'd admit to being such a badass I would have Taylor Swift in repeat followed by the Bee Gees.  I have to talk people into saying they're a badass.  Dr. Dunbar said she was a kickass oncologist.  Dr. McLaughlin knew those laser beams would know shrink that shit out.

It's all about attitude.  POSITIVE ATTITUDE. Even on my worst days no one can tell that I have anything other than a bad attitude other than T or the C's.  Today March 23 2015 I met a sweet lady named Audra in the blood work area.  Looking for a seat, I had one next to me and told her "I don't bite unless I'm paid"  She offered me some chap stick.  Mhhhh. No, like money but that's ok.  She was in from Louisiana but I didn't tell her how bad her state and Saints sucked ass.

Lisbeth Darsh said it's all in a mindset.  That's true in anything.  T says I'm walking and moving better today, but until I feel like I am, I believe I'm not.  I miss my ground support team that tells me I'm more inspiring that I feel i am.  Bobby, Todd are long time brothers that are family who are always there.  John and Christopher are brothers from another mother.

People from Hill Country CrossFit are family that have shown up from nowhere.  Without even mentioning people like Laura, Danny, Chris Bruce, Charlie Riddle and Ira, they have that POSITIVE ATTITUDE.  Guys like Eli, Stefan, and Russell who don't know me from dirt on the ground have jumped right in and been there with joyfulness.  Coach Aaron and Bryan have stepped in too.

Two of my new favorites are Dan M and Chandra M.  They are so caring and always go out of their way say hello.  And they are so nice to T, which wins me over.

Kenne talks like I'm some hero and I swear I'm not.  Tonia lights up like I'm Matthew McConaughey, and I'm and ugly big nosed dude.  They are great.

I'm surrounded by nothing but positive.  Cant lie in Ga, there was negative around.  That old job, my neighbor, selling the house, packing to move.  To me those were negatives.

Andrew Watson has opened my eyes to a world of kindness and caring. His family has.  If we haven't scared them off, we'll have them over to our house when its done.  Clays For Cara along with Justin Hobbs shows what its like to care for others.  That's where I'm heading, caring and working for others with

Caring and being positive go along way.  Everyone can learn from folks who go to Hill Country CrossFit.

For you Aunt B. Heard that vmail. lol  



Wednesday, March 18, 2015

WHY COMPLAIN? The World didn't run out of pizza

The World is full of complainers.

Coffee sucks.  Well then make your own.

This shirt doesn't fit.  Make it fit.  Lose weight or get Gainz.

Dinner is not ready.  Fix it faster.

People complain on who their sports team signs and resigns.  99% never played NFL football, ran an organization, or owned a team.

I have Brain Cancer.  Have for a year or so.  Now all of a sudden I have a Brain Stem Tumor. I'm back at Md Anderson for Radiation and Chemo for 6 weeks.  I'm doing Avastin Chemo every once in a while during my stay.  My Tumor is inoperable.  I've only complained about my side effects and symptoms.

You can complain, but does that make it any better?  You can bitch and moan, but will your situation or day be any better off?

You say your head hurts.  Do you ever think about those who have head issues?  Your back or your leg hurts, how about you not being able to walk?

Just think.  People bashing on Kroy Biermann prompted this quick post.  I don't care if he gets one or many sacks.  He could get zero and would still be there next to Matty Ice, Julio Jones as my favorite players.

Spill and direct your hate to something that is hateful like Cancer. Like Tumors. Like things that cause Cancer.

While you're at it go LEARN something on ( KB4BC). Where I'm directing all of my unused energy to Brain Tumor Research and making life better for those with Brain Cancer.

Hate if you want, direct it the right way.





Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Only part of this matters

So this morning I was in the shower and that feeling came over me that has not in a long time. I actually didn't fall YET, and my hands were off my junk.

I threw up.  A LOT.

Either meds, lunch, both but that was the first time.  T, being the awesome wife helped me out.  I was more upset that she had to clean that mess up and help me dry off than anything.  I cried.  That's been happening too much lately.

Last night was Avastin.  Lady couldn't find my veins said they were small.  Hmm. Told her the one that matters is bigger.  They were nice, that's what matters.

I did radiation yesterday and today.  They are cool.  Lady reminds me of my Aunt Belinda kind of.  They play the music I like.  "NO COUNTRY"  It's fast.  I'll have a new mask to add to the collection.  MD Anderson has a maze for the ra-docs department.

Can't lie.  I miss Hill Country CrossFit.  That's a fact but Pin-Up CrossFit owner let me borrow a Concept2 at the house we are renting for the time we are here.  Andrew Mitchell, cousin of my doctors Nurse Jennifer.

I will row my ass off so I can beat Jerry and Camilla. Gotta beat them.

Day 7 in a row of #Stillkickinthis shirt.

This post wasn't insightful or educational.  But some days I do that shit.  Write about nothing,

My most important education came for someone in the dm's of the twitterworld.

She's awesome and kicks ass.  She's hot and talented.  She's thoughtful and sincere.

She's my friend.




Saturday, March 14, 2015

Before I go. Kidding, I'm not going anywhere. Just leaving

I want to tell you about my Friday and Saturday before I head off to Md Anderson get laser beams shot in my head and take a shit load of poison, possibly turn green and walk around with that old skull and bones above me.

Andrew and his wife Sara with their two awesome kids came over for pizza, water, and brownies.  Yes we serve our guests water.  They both are Aggies so I am choosing my words carefully.  Sara made it clear what she would do to Aggie "haters" as she stood close to the knives.  And no pizza party is complete  without a fire.

Those two are 100% filled with greatness.  I fully expected to cry when talking to Andrew cause he has done so much for us.  I know Sara has also, it what teams do and they are a winning team those two.  What I didn't expect was Sara to tear up, which got to me.  Sara has seen me and talked to me FOUR times.  HEB, Clays Event, Dinner and now the house.  She broke my heart in a great way and that will stay between all of us.  Thank you two for everything and a great Friday night.

Now Saturday morning was flip sided up side down when T's alarm clock went off before mine.  But ok.  She was going to Hill Country CrossFit FOR ME.  I need a taxi driver again.  She's hot, free, and a good driver.  HOT too.  Tracy, John M, and C4 all loaded up.  I wanted to do 15.3, and thought I could.  I got out of the car and what two people do I see first?  Dan and Chandra.  What a great way to show up.  I don't know if it gets better.  Go in, my spirit is lifted as I see Laura, Tonia, Ira, Thom, Eli and his wife.  Met Aaron for the first time, of course Jerry showed up, always good to see Jerry.  His bro Dave had the brightness from the shoes.  Busting out in the Jayhawk shirt Camilla was there.  Russell, Stefan, kicked ass as normal.  Danny was there and was not letting me back out.  Blake and Kelly were there so I had to do the wod.  Blake won't let a person NOT workout.

 Chris Bruce got there.  That meant a lot.  Andrew was there.  Ira. Man, if i could sit and cry with a dude all day, it would be Ira.

Charlie.  Charlie inspires me.  Something about the words he says, the way he says them just get through my skin.

I hope I am not forgetting anyone.  Please tell me.  TELL ME. Oh Bruce, what you did this morning, man that can NEVER be duplicated.

Seriously tell me if I forgot anyone.  T, said EVERYONE was so nice.

Hope to see MY box soon.  Hill Country CrossFit is MY box.



Thursday, March 12, 2015

Just Random Shit

People who know me understand I do think in messed up ways.  I tend to think about stuff I really shouldn't during times like these.

For instance, CrossFit.  I was just getting back to some of the weight I was at before and now I will basically have to start over again.  I hate not being able to lift.  Situps hurt my head.  Double Unders give me a headache.  My arm is numb so pull ups are an issue.

I guess I will be a bad ass rowing machine and will beat Jerry and Camilla at Rowling.  Jerry taught me so I learned for the man.

It's harder to do things than it was before.  Trust me no one wants this job.  It hasn't gotten there, but no one wants this job.

As of this morning, driving is off the table till I feel better.

I let T clean my ears.  I never let her do that before.  I'm getting soft.

My sex drive is not gone.  NOT.  Hear that T.  Keep those jeans on that I love.  Wait, I mean take them off. We don't want them getting wrinkled.

I'm working on an event.  Gotta keep that up.  It's important to me.

My mouth hurts.  Won't stop me from talking shit but it just hurts a little more.

Weed. Well lets just say the thought is there.  A STRONG thought is there.

Asking people to do stuff for me is hard.  But it may be something I need to do.

Realizing advice is like ONE asshole, everyone has one, but some peoples are bigger than others.

Beer tastes good after 7 years.  2 beers taste even better.  "No, I always walk in a zig zag line officer"

Going to Houston doesn't excite me.  Getting radiation and chemo AGAIN excite me. Ok I'm lying.

Hearing from people I wouldn't expect is great.

People care, they really do.  It amazes me how many.  FAMILY

I'll do it again.  I'll beat it.

This post may not have made any sense, but I'm at that point and since when did I ever make any sense?



Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Tumor Time

I'm writing this in a worse mood than I was last year when the doc told me I had Cancer.  That's right LAST MARCH.

I have had some recent side effects that T and I thought were from the meds.  We thought the chemo was having a weird toll on my body or we thought my seizure med were behind it.

Went and had blood done and it was normal.  Fine.

I had a MRI Feb 2 and everything looked great.  Another clean scan.

Right side of my face is numb.

Right inside of my mouth is sore.

Left side from upper ab to my foot is numb and tingly and sore.

Left arm is sore.

It got worse over the weekend.

Another MRI on March 9th.  A month later that the last one.  Doctor looked and said "I can't believe this"  A Tumor had grown on my Brain Stem in a month.

That's why 15.2 (Crossfitters know) was horrible. No balance. Kept leaning to my left.  Shit, I cant even lift. I can only row.

"Another Tumor. Inoperable." He said.  I cried.  I left the room.  Busted out of there.  Probably was not fair to my wife and children who were in there, but I stormed out and cried more.  Wanted to punch the walls, door, whatever but I tend to hurt myself when I do that.

Had to stay another day to meet radiation doc and figure out what to do.  Went over all my choices which was do chemo and radiation, live with it and die in a few months or do surgery and probably die on the table.  Still was not an easy decision.

I cried.  It has broken my heart to see T cry.  To see my daughter cry killed me inside.  I mean tore me up.  C3 had a different cry, not a scrap knee type but a kind of hurt that got to both of us.

I'll do it again.  Again I'll do radiation and chemo.  I'll cry more than last time.  Think about death more.  Curse life more.  Probably wont be as forgiving.  I don't know. I just don't know.  My one outlet of therapy I can't even do right now.  CrossFit.  I miss it already.  The wods, the sweat, laying on the floor. I can only row.  Rowing fun, but sometimes I want to squat. Press. Jerk.

So not to make her feel guilty, but I will fight for C3.  I want my daughter to have a dad.  ME.  Who the fuck else would I want to hug her, tuck her in, kiss her???????

Cancer ok.  Tumor, wow.  I'm hurting but I'm not in pain.

If you see grammar errors, count then.  Winner get a prize.  #sarcasm




Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Guess What........."You Have Brain Cancer" March 3 2015 STILL HAVE IT

It's been 1 year since being told "You have Glioblastoma".  A whole lot has changed since then.  New way of life, different fights, deeper causes and more meaning in my life.  I'm not as angry, well except for yesterday when an old lady made racial and rude comments I didn't agree with.  Everything means more to me.  T, the C's and friends.  New friends and old. Family near and far.  CrossFit, PR's or not.  I am happy for the fact that I have had no complications from my oral chemo and seizure meds........until now. Don't know what the side effects are from, but it's my new normal.

I remember this day 1 year ago like it was yesterday.  I was more concerned about the staples being pulled out then finding out if I had Cancer or not?  I'm mentally a baby but I thought I could handle the news.  The news came and I teared up but didn't cry heavily like I was expecting.  I still say to this day "I never used this brain, why did it have to get Cancer?" lol.  John came to visit, Christopher came to visit along with family I hadn't seen in forever. People sent CrossFit shirts, which I love.  Shoes next time, and socks. Kidding I'm kidding.

I'm glad I'm still here and glad I get to smile and laugh.  My memories are different from T's.  I remember the drives to the basement of doom and the horrible county music that I begged them not to play during my radiation cycles.   I can go on and on.

Last year on this day I found out what strength was.  Not a thruster, power clean or squat (although those do improve a way of life too).  I realized that Brain Cancer was not going to knock me down, it would slow me and alter my course but it would not be a stop sign.


Thank all of you.

Below was from last year.


I told you all my story and how I recall it all may bounce around and of course it has.

I went from starting with this It's Not Rocket Science

And then next I added this to the story The Beginning Of Brain Cancer - Part 2

I told you about starting my Radiation Treatments Session Number One Of Radiation

Which brings me to today.  Today I will tell how and what I felt as I found out that I was diagnosed with Brain Cancer.

It happened on March 3, 2014.  An appointment at Dr. Ahmad Khaldi's office who happens to be one of the TOP Cerebrovascular and Endovascular Neurosurgeons in the Country. Now I don't know what any of that shit I just typed means but he saved my life so I don't need to know.  He performed the surgery and got the "mass" out of my head.  Not saying "Brain" cause it is still being debated if I had / have a brain.

There is also Brenda Glenn who is Dr. Khaldi's assistant.  She is also the short haired hottie that put my head back together with screws, nuts and bolts and plates and then stapled me shut with about 30-35 staples.

Now as we headed to the appointment all I was really concerned about was getting the staples out.  I was nervous about that because I knew that it would not so much hurt but the nagging factor of getting 30 something staples pulled out was not going to be fun.  Boy was Brenda happy to see me.  She was so happy to see me that she jumped for joy over seeing how good my "fault" line as I call it in my head was healing and she was so proud of her work.  She came in and joked and without even a warning or notice..

SHE STARTED RIPPING STAPLES OUT OF MY MELON.  Ok, that may be a little (A LOT) dramatic but it didn't feel great.  I was even making noises that led her to say "Oh, YOU"RE one of those!" lol. Yes I am one of those, I said.

Then Dr. Khaldi enters the office and sits in the chair all relaxed and such and starts telling T and I about the surgery and how he decided to do what he did.  Why he made the cut in my hairline instead of around my eyebrow and then he started telling us about the mass / tumor he took out of my head.  He explained that the surgery went great and he was pleased with how everything was healing.  He was telling us about how the tumor was not near my eyes and that was a good thing.  I loved that Dr. Khaldi was not trying to "Smart talk" us and was very informative about everything.

"You have Grade 4 Glioblastoma and it is a very fast spreading and aggressive type of Cancer in the Brain." He was showing us scans and pic's of my brain and where the tumor was and how there were other Cancer cells around other parts of my brain.  So after all of the talking and explaining and talking I kind of had NO DAMN IDEA of what the hell he even said. I mean I was listening and trying to comprehend but I just didn't understand it at all.  "OK, I said to him.....Can you please dumb it down for me?  Do I have Brain Cancer?"

YES! He said.  "You have Brain Cancer! And like I said it is an aggressive and fast spreading type of Cancer."  Then he gave me good news.  "It will not leave your brain and spread to other parts of your body."  OHHHH, That is GOOD NEWS?!!!  OK, I am thinking shit...I have fucking Brain Cancer.  I didn't cry when he told me.  I looked at T and our eyes met and then I took a deep sigh.  Then my next question.

"Am I going to die?"

Dr. Khaldi "Its not a matter of if but when."

FUCK!  That is when I started to tear up. (Just like I am now as I write this)

Now I am still trying to not lose it and T is calm as can be and Dr. Khaldi and Brenda are giving me hugs and telling me that I can beat this.  Now this is the funny part.  They told me that I was "YOUNG and HEALTHY".  Ok, I'm 41 and I have fucking Brain Cancer.  Where is the Young and who the fuck thinks Cancer is Healthy?

"Nothing you have done or nothing you could have done could have prevented this" they tell me.  Just a freak thing that happened and the seizure is what set it off and let us find out what was going on in your brain."

They tell me that I have a KP Score of 100. (Info on KP Scores) and that is the best score.  It basically says that I have a great potential for recovery.  Doesn't make me feel better but ok.  They tell me that they think since I am in good shape and physically fit that I will have a good chance at beating this even going through the Chemotherapy and Radiation.  They also then tell me that they are fast tracking me for Chemo and Radiation.

So on March 3, 2014 I was told that I have Brain Cancer.  My life has now been turned upside down and inside out.  I'm 41 with a fucking great awesome wife that loves me and we have four wonderful children.  I don't know what to think or what to do.

Me, the guy that CrossFits daily, eats clean, hasn't drank in 7 years, doesn't smoke and lives right has now been informed that I have Brain Cancer.

Life will never be the same.

But without Dr. Khaldi, I wouldn't have the chance to write this and or even have the chance to try and have a life.  I also asked him if doing Chemo and Radiation will make this better.  I can do six weeks of this and then die in six months? "YES, he said but you may also live many years!"

Dr. Khaldi and Brenda. 
And some dude with Brain Cancer.



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