Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Tumor Time

I'm writing this in a worse mood than I was last year when the doc told me I had Cancer.  That's right LAST MARCH.

I have had some recent side effects that T and I thought were from the meds.  We thought the chemo was having a weird toll on my body or we thought my seizure med were behind it.

Went and had blood done and it was normal.  Fine.

I had a MRI Feb 2 and everything looked great.  Another clean scan.

Right side of my face is numb.

Right inside of my mouth is sore.

Left side from upper ab to my foot is numb and tingly and sore.

Left arm is sore.

It got worse over the weekend.

Another MRI on March 9th.  A month later that the last one.  Doctor looked and said "I can't believe this"  A Tumor had grown on my Brain Stem in a month.

That's why 15.2 (Crossfitters know) was horrible. No balance. Kept leaning to my left.  Shit, I cant even lift. I can only row.

"Another Tumor. Inoperable." He said.  I cried.  I left the room.  Busted out of there.  Probably was not fair to my wife and children who were in there, but I stormed out and cried more.  Wanted to punch the walls, door, whatever but I tend to hurt myself when I do that.

Had to stay another day to meet radiation doc and figure out what to do.  Went over all my choices which was do chemo and radiation, live with it and die in a few months or do surgery and probably die on the table.  Still was not an easy decision.

I cried.  It has broken my heart to see T cry.  To see my daughter cry killed me inside.  I mean tore me up.  C3 had a different cry, not a scrap knee type but a kind of hurt that got to both of us.

I'll do it again.  Again I'll do radiation and chemo.  I'll cry more than last time.  Think about death more.  Curse life more.  Probably wont be as forgiving.  I don't know. I just don't know.  My one outlet of therapy I can't even do right now.  CrossFit.  I miss it already.  The wods, the sweat, laying on the floor. I can only row.  Rowing fun, but sometimes I want to squat. Press. Jerk.

So not to make her feel guilty, but I will fight for C3.  I want my daughter to have a dad.  ME.  Who the fuck else would I want to hug her, tuck her in, kiss her???????

Cancer ok.  Tumor, wow.  I'm hurting but I'm not in pain.

If you see grammar errors, count then.  Winner get a prize.  #sarcasm




Jessica Bodley Farrell March 11, 2015 at 5:50 PM   Reply to

❤️❤️❤️❤️ Loving the Serene Fam from Temple!!!

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